Some of my work...

Let's Talk About Sex!

So, I watched a movie last night called The Diary of a Nymphomaniac and it was one of the better movies I've seen in a while... Reason being is why is 2009 and we as a society still can't accept women being as sexually active as men and not be called sluts? Why do people assume because a woman has a lot of tatts, she is just a party girl and not girlfriend material?

I would love to hear from men and women on this??

Fast Forward....

So, next I met a good guy and we got married in 1991 and I got pregnant very early on but, after 3 months lost the baby... It was pretty hard on me because the drugs didn't take well and I was half awake for the procedure of removing the babies remains.... Plus I already had the crib up, the room decorated...

So, I was on a very misguided mission of getting pregnant again and I did but again I miscarried... I began to think I could not carry another child and wasn't sure how I would deal with that...

During all of this I found all my demons sneaking up and slapping my marriage in the face.... I was taking all my anger out on him... I screamed a lot... Finally, I started therapy, which in my opinion does nothing but make me more depressed... However, I was able to go face the man who molested me... I told him how he ruined my childhood and stole my soul... It was so surreal, like the world was spinning around us standing there so still... He looked at me like he felt sorry for me... Not for what he had done because he is still in denial about that till this day but for being so delusional... For the second time in my life I actually wanted to kill someone... He was the first too, the night I pulled the knife... I actually pictured it, killing him... What I would say, how I would do it, how I knew I could stand there at that moment and watch this monster bleed out and not flinch... I think about it sometimes and wonder why I didn't attack him... I'd like to think it's because I didn't want to become like him but honestly I was only afraid to lose something I had just that moment taken back from him, my freedom....

I believe that's why I do many things the way I do them in my life... It's why I like certain things sexually too... I'm taking back the control of my sexuality... I like it rough and aggressive most times... I've been asked how I can after the molestation and rape and my answer is always the same... I'm in charge, not them... If I didn't do things because of what they did, then they would win, they take another piece of me... And that will never happen again.... I have found recently by exploring certain aspects of sex and "lifestyles" in sexuality that many women feel the same... I have learned many things by exploring these things... But we will talk about that later...

Eventually, I was able to get pregnant and I had 2 more beautiful daughters... The pregnancys were long and difficult and they were induced just as my oldest was...

He and I had many ups and downs... I thought he was to good for me for so long, my family believed he was like a savior, and I for sure never thought anyone would ever love me like he did again... I constantly worried someone would one day tap him on his shoulder and say "Hey dumbass, don't you know who she is? She's that damaged girl! What's wrong with you?" And he would have an awakening or something... That he'd just been temporarily blinded to who I really was and would eventually see what everyone else did and leave like the rest....

This did not make life easy and neither did the fact that he was pretty screwed up himself and had very low self esteem himself and I didn't even realize it... He eventually began drinking a lot and we went down roads I don't think either of us were prepared for at the time... We tried "spiceing" up our breaking, suffocating marriage by trying threesomes and fantasy sex play but, it just drove us further apart...

We both tried for nearly 16 years... But his alcoholism and our own issues ate at us like a disease....

Is This Thing On? -Okay so next....

So as time went on I began coping with all of my "issues" by becoming a complete and utter cold hearted bitch.... I hated everyone, I had no feeling for anyone or anything except my daughter.... And honestly even finding those motherly feeling was a struggle sometimes because I was so young and because I was so angry...

I realize now too that my mother did me no favors letting me live with her in my daughters first couple of years... I think it kept me from being forced to bond on a deeper level with her and is partly why we aren't closer now... But believe me I'm very aware of the what ifs, and should haves of being a mother so, I know she did and still does what she knew how to do at the moment... I know because that's all you can do...

She, being my mother blames herself a lot for not seeing what I was going through as a child but,

I don't... My mother was raised by a Baptist preacher and these thing weren't thought about, much less discussed... I'm actually quite amazed at my mothers ability not to freak out for lack of a better term on a regular basis, over the insanity of her own life history but then on top of it, the insane path each of her children's lives have taken...

Be back in a bit.......

I will start with this....

From the time I was a teenager, I felt like I was off key from most... Like the story goes, I felt everyone had a secret hand shake and forgot to tell me...

At 9 my sexual problems began after being molested for many years by a relative... My family was old fashioned and after I finally told my parents they basically swept it under the rug... I finally put a knife to his throat when I was 12, when I stayed at my grandmas and he tried it again... I had it hidden under a cushion on the couch wear I slept... I told him I would cut him till I felt better if he ever touched me again... He never did...

I started having sex very early but not often, which I think was only out of shame... Like some how the boys would see that I was damaged, once they undressed me... By 16, I had a baby girl and was married to her 19 year old father for a minute before she was born but he bailed... He is still around but was never really a "father" to her... I call him her sperm donor... That's my "I wish I had never let you touch my vagina" pet name for him... Just recently I discovered that he left his second wife and child for the same skank he cheated on me with 23 years before... Pathetic, right? But also YEA!! GO KARMA, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY GO KARMA!!! Because now she can be miserable with him and his crazy family like we were! Hell she actually saved both of us, so maybe I should take her a cake or pie or something?? ha ha ha

Unfortunately, the sexual abuse did not end... At 17, I was date raped by an ex-boyfriend after a night out with my friend, who it turns out thought I left with someone else and left me needing a ride... He took me to his barraks room after convincing me he just needed to get his license... I never reported it because I was afraid they would blame me and I only saw him once after that.. Until about 8 months ago, I ran into him and his wife at a corner store... It didn't go well... But, I will tell that story another time...

The following year, I met an incredibly beautiful, loving, hard working, good man... We were in love but one night on his way home from visiting me, he was in a car accident along with 4 of his friends after the man driving the car fell asleep at the wheel... The only one who had any real serious injury was my Scott and he passed away in the arms of his friend on the side of the road... He tells me that Scotts last words were that he loved his family and me and that he was mad at him because he wanted to stay and his friend insisted... I never thought I could cry that much...

2 years later I met my 2 youngest daughters father... I will finish this story tomorrow, which I promise eventually gets much much better... ;) Nite...