So, next I met a good guy and we got married in 1991 and I got pregnant very early on but, after 3 months lost the baby... It was pretty hard on me because the drugs didn't take well and I was half awake for the procedure of removing the babies remains.... Plus I already had the crib up, the room decorated...
So, I was on a very misguided mission of getting pregnant again and I did but again I miscarried... I began to think I could not carry another child and wasn't sure how I would deal with that...
During all of this I found all my demons sneaking up and slapping my marriage in the face.... I was taking all my anger out on him... I screamed a lot... Finally, I started therapy, which in my opinion does nothing but make me more depressed... However, I was able to go face the man who molested me... I told him how he ruined my childhood and stole my soul... It was so surreal, like the world was spinning around us standing there so still... He looked at me like he felt sorry for me... Not for what he had done because he is still in denial about that till this day but for being so delusional... For the second time in my life I actually wanted to kill someone... He was the first too, the night I pulled the knife... I actually pictured it, killing him... What I would say, how I would do it, how I knew I could stand there at that moment and watch this monster bleed out and not flinch... I think about it sometimes and wonder why I didn't attack him... I'd like to think it's because I didn't want to become like him but honestly I was only afraid to lose something I had just that moment taken back from him, my freedom....
I believe that's why I do many things the way I do them in my life... It's why I like certain things sexually too... I'm taking back the control of my sexuality... I like it rough and aggressive most times... I've been asked how I can after the molestation and rape and my answer is always the same... I'm in charge, not them... If I didn't do things because of what they did, then they would win, they take another piece of me... And that will never happen again.... I have found recently by exploring certain aspects of sex and "lifestyles" in sexuality that many women feel the same... I have learned many things by exploring these things... But we will talk about that later...
Eventually, I was able to get pregnant and I had 2 more beautiful daughters... The pregnancys were long and difficult and they were induced just as my oldest was...
He and I had many ups and downs... I thought he was to good for me for so long, my family believed he was like a savior, and I for sure never thought anyone would ever love me like he did again... I constantly worried someone would one day tap him on his shoulder and say "Hey dumbass, don't you know who she is? She's that damaged girl! What's wrong with you?" And he would have an awakening or something... That he'd just been temporarily blinded to who I really was and would eventually see what everyone else did and leave like the rest....
This did not make life easy and neither did the fact that he was pretty screwed up himself and had very low self esteem himself and I didn't even realize it... He eventually began drinking a lot and we went down roads I don't think either of us were prepared for at the time... We tried "spiceing" up our breaking, suffocating marriage by trying threesomes and fantasy sex play but, it just drove us further apart...
We both tried for nearly 16 years... But his alcoholism and our own issues ate at us like a disease....
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